


always say goodnight, never say goodbye

by vintageroseriver99



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 07:26:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vintageroseriver99/pseuds/vintageroseriver99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>after I watched TNOTD I was crying so much that I had to let out my angst and put it on a page.</p>
            </blockquote>





	always say goodnight, never say goodbye

I heard the TARDIS land before I saw it, what's happened this time? I wondered, getting up from my bed and walking to the top of my stairs. He didn't poke his head out of the door comically like usual and he didn't say anything to me yet.

"Hello Sweetie, " I said, smiling at him as he walked toward me and I started to make my way down the stairs. "What brings you here then?" He pulled me in to a tight hug, the kind his older self gave me and for just a moment I let myself hope that this was my Doctor.

"I've had a horrible day and I wanted to see my wife, that's why I'm here." He stated - well at least he knows who I am - and started to play with a strand of my hair as he spoke. "How do you fancy a trip out?"

"I'm tired, if you promise to limit alien attacks then I'll come." I'd not been sleeping well ever since I got back from Manhattan - my dreams haunted me too much for me to want sleep very often. He stretched out a hand towards me and we walked to where he'd landed the TARDIS in my front room and I grabbed my diary which had been on the couch. "Oh, you redecorated." I'd assumed that he would at some point and I didn't even know how long it had been for him but this was my first time seeing him since - I pretended that I was fine at the time and I was still pretending really - it felt strange to see what I called the 'old' TARDIS after so many adventures with my parents.

"Oh, we'd best do diaries hadn't we, although I think we might be around the same time judging from your expression." I looked at him and I could see in his eyes that he was still a young version of the Doctor but this man loved and understood me more than his young self did. He must have sensed it somehow but he just pulled me toward him knowing I needed the reassurance. "Don't worry River, it's me and I know you...I'm not going to upset you today."

"Sweetie, you could never upset me, your younger self is just a little careless with his words. Let me guess, you're with Clara at the moment?" I hoped he was otherwise that was going to be a big spoiler - to my relief he nodded. "What was it today then? The salvage crew?" That was the only completely terrible he'd had this early on with Clara - as far as I remembered.

"No, that was a while back, you won't know about this one yet though - spoilers." Great, I thought, thanks for that Doctor, nice to know I have 'a horrible day' somewhere in my future. I'd been having quite a few rough days of my own lately, I hadn't seen the Doctor in almost a year - not very long to him but when I'm stuck with only a vortex manipulator for company life can get boring without your time-travelling husband popping in for a visit. "How long has it been for you?"

"Since I saw you last? 342 days and the last time was...Manhattan." I shivered at the mere thought of that place, I couldn't think about New York without remembering what happened there. At least I still got to see them occasionally, whether it was on a timeline where they were still travelling with the Doctor or when they were older and I could get in to New York without blowing it up.

"I'm so sorry River, I shouldn't have left it this long, it hasn't been that long for me otherwise I would have visited sooner. That's the last place I saw you but it's only been a few months for me, I think." He was lying - he was definitely still quite young - and I could tell straight away but I didn't question it. When the Doctor lies, he usually has good reason to - that was rule two for me; always trust him even when you know he's lying.

"It's fine, I'm fine. Where are you taking me then?" I asked, trying to divert the conversation away from the subject.

"I thought we just agreed that I know you, which means I can tell when you're keeping things from me. And your feelings don't count as a spoiler hunn'." I rolled my eyes, but inside I was just pleased that this was a version of the Doctor that really did know me for once - these days were become short and far apart. Stood beside the console I took note of the fact that the Doctor had used the stabilizers just to please me and leant against the console while he flew her - I didn't have the energy to complain right now.

"I didn't realize until months afterwards that it was my fault." He looked at me with a confused expression spread across his face, and a hint of concerned doubt. "I could've given Rory my vortex manipulator to get him to a different timezone, I could've stopped them from separating the two of us, I could've tried harder to get away from the angel without breaking my wrist, I could've stopped them both from jumping off the roof, I could've stayed outside at the graveyard, I could've tried to stop Amy but instead I encouraged her...it was my fault Doctor." All of it was true, I had a hundred chances that day to stop it from happening but I didn't - now both my parents were as good as dead.

"River, this isn't your fault, this is my fault. I should never have brought them back on to the TARDIS after I dropped them home after that weird hotel place - I was trying to avoid this but I was too selfish to do it. Don't blame yourself for this when you know it was me." He said, everytime something went wrong he tried to blame himself - even though it almost never was. The most horrible thing I'd ever done in all my life was going to Demon's Run and pretending to be angry at the Doctor for what Kovarian had done - I felt awful for it right up until the next time I saw him on my time stream and he'd been to Berlin.

"What you do - bringing us humans with you - isn't selfish Doctor. It's generous and we're lucky that you offered to show us the wonders of the universe, anyone who has ever even met you knows that you do what you do because you want to help people. Amy and Rory wouldn't have thanked you for dissapearing from their lives." I knew that, I'd watch him leave so many of his companions behind - he always just left and didn't look back because it was too painful for him - and he'd just leave them to get on with their normal lives again like he'd never existed. "You can't blame everything on yourself."

"Neither can you River." He said and I couldn't argue with him, I was done with arguing, if he felt like telling me I was the good guy then he could go ahead. I felt us land and walked towards the door - we were on Peladon - he told me about how he'd come here with a couple of his old companions, luckily with Aggedor dead now nothing too terrible could happen. "Am I a good husband? In the long term I mean, do I take good care of you?"

"Doctor, the first day I met you, I could tell that you already loved me. I didn't understand why you'd love someone you'd just met but I knew that you did. You're like the TARDIS, you're not necessarily there when I want you but you are when I need you."

"Rassilon I've missed you River." Not as much as I've missed you.

Sitting on the console just like I always did, the Doctor didn't moan the way he usually does and it made me begin to worry. Worrying had become a foreign concept to me – like a constant pain; after a while you become immune to it – because I worried about him all of the time, when I feel worried I know something is seriously wrong.

"Doctor, where were you today? You can tell me, I probably know anyway but even if I don't, it'll hurt me less to know than to see you like this." Looking up at me witth a hopeful glimpse in his eye, I thought for just a second that he was going to give in and tell me the truth.

"River, it'd hurt me too much to tell you – all I need is you to be with me, for as long as you can." I wasn't going to pester him about it, if he didn't want me to know then he would have good reason – this was my Doctor, not the gangly young man who barely knew me. "Is that okay?" As is he even needs to ask.

I got up from where I had been sat, walked over to him and planting a gentle kiss on his lips – he kissed me the way he had the first time I met him and it made me realize, this could be the last time he kisses me back – everytime I see him, he knows me a little less and the fact that he had to reassure me he wasn't going to hurt me – my time was coming to an end. I'd known it for a while but I wasn't ready to accept it, not until now. Peace is oblivious.

"Where are we then Doctor? We landed a while ago, are you going to tell me or am I going to find out the old-fashioned way?" I enquired, glancing excitedly at the door – no matter how many times he took me on adventures, I still got the same feeling of happiness deep in the pit of my stomach before I opened the doors.

"Well River, tradition is sacred." He stated before pulling in to the siderail tightly as not to get trampled down by me as I charged toward the door. The blue doors swung open and I dropped my jaw in amazement, the sight I saw was beautiful.

There was lush green grass covering the ground beneath my feet, cherry blossom trees stood tall and strong against the light breeze. A cloudless sky above us, this was a scene of perfection and I recognized it at once – Asgard, first date. The Doctor had promised me at the time that one day, many years in the future he would bring me back again – and he did.

"Know where you are?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at me and weaving his arm around my waist as he snapped his fingers and we heard the TARDIS' doors close behind us.

"How could I forget? You brought me back. " Smiling at him, he lead me to the same tree we had picnicked at those many years away. "Wait, how did you know? You were older than this when you brought me here."

"A little bird told me about this place – I'd heard of it but never really known what it was like. I must say I'm quite proud of myself for choosing such a perfect place to take my wife to." He explained in the mysterious way he answered most of my questions.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I felt a lump rise in my throat – it took all of my might to swallow it down and even then it was a struggle. He placed an arm softly on mine and in that moment I knew he had seen – Why did the man have to be so damn observant?! He was close to regeneration – no more than a year and I would be there – I had been there – when it happened, I watched my Doctor sacrifice himself for others and then he would become a whole new man.

"River, am I your Doctor?"

"You will always be my Doctor, no matter your face, no matter how much you know me or how much I know you. You will always be my Doctor, never doubt that, but if you're wondering about this regeneration then yes – this is the face I fell in love with, this is the face I think of when I hear your name, this is the face I hope to see when I wake up every morning." All he'd wanted was a yes, but I gave him more – like I always did.

When I opened the hamper the first thing I saw was custard and I knew what was coming – fish fingers. That man and his crazy appetite, you can tell he isn't human simply by his eating habits.

Picking out everything to see what I had to work with, it only made me cringe; jelly babies, bananas, mince pies and a variety other completely mad foodstuffs. Right at the bottom there was a small box, similar to a jewellery box and I opened it curiously – I'd been wrong. It wasn't similar to a jewellery box, it was a jewellery box.

Inside was a small white-gold ring, with an engravement on the inside, it read: Love is not linear.

"I realized that I never got you a wedding ring, or an engagement ring, or a ring of any kind to be quite honest so I got you this – you were wearing last time I saw you so I know that I'm supposed to give it to you now. Do you like it?" He questioned anxiously, looking as though he expected a slap across the cheek. Grinning like a child on Christmas morning I leant towards him and placed a soft kiss to his lips.

"It's beautiful, so are the words. I love you – always and forever my love. We never say goodbye, do we? I know that I don't always act like it but I don't know what I'd do without the knowledge that you were out there somewhere, honestly I don't." I whispered quietly as I slid the ring gently on to my third finger.

"No, jewellery isn't beautiful – it's pretty at most. You are beautiful River, inside and out, even your ora is beautiful." All I did was roll my eyes at him, flattery was his strongest trait most of the time.

The sun got lower and the day was coming to an end when we headed back to the TARDIS and flew me back to my house – I never could bring myself to call it home because the TARDIS was my home, ever since Berlin I'd known I belonged there. After an afternoon of idle chitchat, eating odd food and a rather more intimate end to the day – we were back in my living room, where we'd started off only five minutes ago.

I needed to pack before I could go travelling with him for a little while – the TARDIS always offered plenty of clothes for me but I never felt right without packing first. The Doctor was planning to pick me up first thing in the morning – for him it would most likely be a matter of minutes – so we made no great farewells.

"Goodnight River, see you in the morning." He uttered simply.

"Goodbye Doctor." I replied before his eyes were set ablaze and it looked as though the words had scared him just a little.

"Not goodbye River, never goodbye – only goodnight – because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting and my dear, we must never, ever forget."


End file.
